As fate would have it, I start writing a blog about being 29 and the Guardian run an article about why this is seen as an optimum age and why the author thinks of herself as a 'better friend' at 29.
I agreed with her point that the friends you make in your teens and early twenties can be very hit-and-miss, but your late twenties isn't without its friendship dramas either. The main problem when you reach the ripe old age of 29 is that everyone's so busy with jobs, spouses and children that people have less and less time for each other. It's not like at school where you can catch up in Double Maths, or at uni when your room's just down the hall from theirs. Unless you work together or live near each other, friendships are take effort to maintain and that does get frustrating.
Having said that, I think 29 is a good age, not just because you learn how to form better friendships, but you're also a bit more savvy on identifying and dealing with toxic people and getting such people out of your life (but we all slip up from time to time...).
Here's a brief guide on how to deal with them (I'm not a psychologist so this obviously isn't full-proof advice, but simply what I've gleaned after having to spend many years dealing with such people):
The general public: Kill them with kindness. It embarrasses them and quickly diffuses a situation. This woman who had started having a massive go at me a few years ago for accidentally treading on her foot (after I had apologised) quickly shut up when I looked at her, smiled and uttered: 'I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but please don't let it out on me Madam.'
If they're being a complete out and out psycho, despite your polite responses, don't enter into conversation with them at all. Move away from them at the earliest opportunity. You don't need them 'dumping their shit into your energy field' so to speak.
Colleagues/employers: No one has the right to treat you like dirt, regardless of their position in your company, whether they gave you a pay rise recently or were responsible for hiring you. So many people fail to realise this, but raised voices, name calling and verbal attacks (sometimes physical threats, which I've experienced myself) are never acceptable. 'You don't need to speak to me like that/ shout at me' is one such perfectly reasonable response. If things get really bad, try having a calm one-on-one discussion with the person in question.
But the bottom line is - you don't need to stay in a job situation where there are toxic people who are making your life unbearable. You don't 'owe it to yourself' or your career to spend the majority of your time with people who are making your life a misery.
Partners: Having come out of a very difficult relationship with a narcissistic man - and dated quite a few ne'er do wells since then, it's taken me a while to realise that feeling alone when you're single is not one tenth - or hundredth - as miserable as feeling alone in a relationship (whether it's serious or not). Single ladies (whoa -oa -o): if someone you've started dating is messing you around, not making the effort and playing good old 'who can wait to text back the longest' - ditch them. If they're worth it, they'll come after you. If they aren't putting the time in at the start, they never will. Don't get upset or let them see you're upset - noone is worth humiliating yourself over. Keep your dignity, pour yourself a G&T and watch an entire series of Orange is the New Black instead.
If the person you're in a serious relationship with is making you more unhappy than not, get rid. If you feel you can't speak your mind and have to bottle things up, get rid. Yes it might be expensive moving out of a shared flat, it might be difficult if you have children together, but trust me it's worth every penny to have your sanity back. Life is too short and noone should be a martyr in a relationship. As the great philosopher Kate Upton says 'It's not your job to change him, it's not your job to be there while he's finding himself.' Preach it, Kate.
Family members: This is a major can of worms and you're probably better off seeing a family therapist than reading some dizzy North Londoner's musings on the subject. But what I will say is that toxic family members are probably the hardest of all to deal with, as grudges can go back years - especially when you feel like they're the reason you're 'so f*cked up'.
It's taken me a while to realise that the only person responsible for the how I am and how I act is myself. Hence I try not to get angry if a well-meaning parent still treats me like I'm 6 years old ('Well, it's no wonder I never have any confidence in myself!') You can either cut them out of your life for good - or, if they're not an out-and-out, irredeemable pantomime villain Katie Hopkins-type of character - keep them at arm's length, appreciate them for who they are and don't take the bait. You're not 6 years old anymore, even if they don't see it.
Friends: There are many kinds of toxic friends - but there is a particular type of person I've taken steps to weed out of my life the moment I spot the warning signs... You know the type - she makes a huge effort to reel you in at the beginning of the friendship (organising get togethers and keeping in constant contact - as she probably doesn't have many friends to start with). Then you start to hear the little comments, the put downs, the jokey complaints about something you've done to piss her off. These start getting more and more frequent until you find yourself walking on eggshells and tip-toeing around her moods. Soon enough you're constantly apologising and feeling guilty for even existing. I've been screwed over many times by people like this - as soon as you spot them run for the hills (not before telling them to sling their 'ook).
Some friends are more loyal and reliable than others, and I think we grow up being led to believe (in the same way Disney films and rom-coms mislead us about romance) that there's a 'perfect friend' out there for us, who will understand us completely can give us everything we want and need. I've come to the conclusion that there will never be such a thing as 'the perfect friend' - even among my closest mates there are petty jealousies and we do and say things to hurt each other. I don't believe in 'dumping' friends - just accepting them for who they are and focusing on their good points (and maybe speaking up if you're upset with them). You grow to learn the people you can rely on, the ones who are good for a laugh and the ones you need to avoid like the plague.
And lastly... how to not let toxic people get to you: A tricky one - I can't say I've entirely mastered it myself. I'll have days where I'll replay past incidents in my head, thinking of what I could have said and should have said. Focusing on the positive people in your life helps, as does yoga and meditation. Sally Brampton once told me 'Don't allow these people to live in your head, rent free.' Amen to that.
I agreed with her point that the friends you make in your teens and early twenties can be very hit-and-miss, but your late twenties isn't without its friendship dramas either. The main problem when you reach the ripe old age of 29 is that everyone's so busy with jobs, spouses and children that people have less and less time for each other. It's not like at school where you can catch up in Double Maths, or at uni when your room's just down the hall from theirs. Unless you work together or live near each other, friendships are take effort to maintain and that does get frustrating.
Having said that, I think 29 is a good age, not just because you learn how to form better friendships, but you're also a bit more savvy on identifying and dealing with toxic people and getting such people out of your life (but we all slip up from time to time...).
Here's a brief guide on how to deal with them (I'm not a psychologist so this obviously isn't full-proof advice, but simply what I've gleaned after having to spend many years dealing with such people):
The general public: Kill them with kindness. It embarrasses them and quickly diffuses a situation. This woman who had started having a massive go at me a few years ago for accidentally treading on her foot (after I had apologised) quickly shut up when I looked at her, smiled and uttered: 'I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but please don't let it out on me Madam.'
If they're being a complete out and out psycho, despite your polite responses, don't enter into conversation with them at all. Move away from them at the earliest opportunity. You don't need them 'dumping their shit into your energy field' so to speak.
Colleagues/employers: No one has the right to treat you like dirt, regardless of their position in your company, whether they gave you a pay rise recently or were responsible for hiring you. So many people fail to realise this, but raised voices, name calling and verbal attacks (sometimes physical threats, which I've experienced myself) are never acceptable. 'You don't need to speak to me like that/ shout at me' is one such perfectly reasonable response. If things get really bad, try having a calm one-on-one discussion with the person in question.
But the bottom line is - you don't need to stay in a job situation where there are toxic people who are making your life unbearable. You don't 'owe it to yourself' or your career to spend the majority of your time with people who are making your life a misery.
Partners: Having come out of a very difficult relationship with a narcissistic man - and dated quite a few ne'er do wells since then, it's taken me a while to realise that feeling alone when you're single is not one tenth - or hundredth - as miserable as feeling alone in a relationship (whether it's serious or not). Single ladies (whoa -oa -o): if someone you've started dating is messing you around, not making the effort and playing good old 'who can wait to text back the longest' - ditch them. If they're worth it, they'll come after you. If they aren't putting the time in at the start, they never will. Don't get upset or let them see you're upset - noone is worth humiliating yourself over. Keep your dignity, pour yourself a G&T and watch an entire series of Orange is the New Black instead.
If the person you're in a serious relationship with is making you more unhappy than not, get rid. If you feel you can't speak your mind and have to bottle things up, get rid. Yes it might be expensive moving out of a shared flat, it might be difficult if you have children together, but trust me it's worth every penny to have your sanity back. Life is too short and noone should be a martyr in a relationship. As the great philosopher Kate Upton says 'It's not your job to change him, it's not your job to be there while he's finding himself.' Preach it, Kate.
Family members: This is a major can of worms and you're probably better off seeing a family therapist than reading some dizzy North Londoner's musings on the subject. But what I will say is that toxic family members are probably the hardest of all to deal with, as grudges can go back years - especially when you feel like they're the reason you're 'so f*cked up'.
It's taken me a while to realise that the only person responsible for the how I am and how I act is myself. Hence I try not to get angry if a well-meaning parent still treats me like I'm 6 years old ('Well, it's no wonder I never have any confidence in myself!') You can either cut them out of your life for good - or, if they're not an out-and-out, irredeemable pantomime villain Katie Hopkins-type of character - keep them at arm's length, appreciate them for who they are and don't take the bait. You're not 6 years old anymore, even if they don't see it.
Friends: There are many kinds of toxic friends - but there is a particular type of person I've taken steps to weed out of my life the moment I spot the warning signs... You know the type - she makes a huge effort to reel you in at the beginning of the friendship (organising get togethers and keeping in constant contact - as she probably doesn't have many friends to start with). Then you start to hear the little comments, the put downs, the jokey complaints about something you've done to piss her off. These start getting more and more frequent until you find yourself walking on eggshells and tip-toeing around her moods. Soon enough you're constantly apologising and feeling guilty for even existing. I've been screwed over many times by people like this - as soon as you spot them run for the hills (not before telling them to sling their 'ook).
Some friends are more loyal and reliable than others, and I think we grow up being led to believe (in the same way Disney films and rom-coms mislead us about romance) that there's a 'perfect friend' out there for us, who will understand us completely can give us everything we want and need. I've come to the conclusion that there will never be such a thing as 'the perfect friend' - even among my closest mates there are petty jealousies and we do and say things to hurt each other. I don't believe in 'dumping' friends - just accepting them for who they are and focusing on their good points (and maybe speaking up if you're upset with them). You grow to learn the people you can rely on, the ones who are good for a laugh and the ones you need to avoid like the plague.
And lastly... how to not let toxic people get to you: A tricky one - I can't say I've entirely mastered it myself. I'll have days where I'll replay past incidents in my head, thinking of what I could have said and should have said. Focusing on the positive people in your life helps, as does yoga and meditation. Sally Brampton once told me 'Don't allow these people to live in your head, rent free.' Amen to that.
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