How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Gym

I know a lot of my posts so far make me sound like a smug, has-got-it-together type who - at the ripe old age of 29 - has managed to iron out every niggling neurosis and for whom life is plain sailing. Well, I may have less to moan about than I did ten years ago, but - surprise, surprise - I'm far from 'sorted'. I have those mornings like today, where I wake up and my brain decides to play a home-movie-style showreel of everyone who's f*cked me over in the past and every instance where I could have stood up for myself but didn't. Culminating in me thinking that I don't actually have any true friends because I don't have anything anybody wants, people are just going to walk all over me for the rest of my life and I'm going to live out my days as a sad, single lonely hermit.

Then I took myself to the gym and went spinning. And felt a million times better. The benefits of fitness on your mental health are seriously underrated. Why the government doesn't put more effort into promoting fitness for better psychological wellbeing in secondary schools (teenagers I think are especially vulnerable to mental health issues and depression) is beyond me. When I was at school, I saw P.E. as a weekly humiliation - completely pointless ('how does shooting a ball into a hoop get me a job?' etc.)

Plus, I wasn't the most sporty of children. I was part of what my teacher called the 'note brigade' - always having an excuse why I had to sit out of dance/swimming/hockey/netball. There was never any emphasis on how great exercise makes you feel, more about making it onto the school netball team and 'having a great body'.

Years later into my early twenties, my friends and I still used to snigger at the keen, sporty girls who went to the gym every night and sports clubs after work - dismissing them as ferociously competitive 'jolly hockey sticks' types. My friends and I used to join gyms together and then sneak off to the pub when 'gym time' came - laughing like a group of naughty school girls bunking off double maths. Later when I moved to North London, I had the same attitude towards the whippet thin 'yoga bunnies' I saw striding down Upper Street, yoga mat in one hand, soya latte in the other.

I came to the conclusion that I was just not a 'gym going' type - and styled myself in the manner of Bridget Jones (complete lack of self-discipline yet loveable for it etc.). Even when I joined my local Fitness First a few years ago,  with the intention of doing three 7am spinning classes a week, part of me remained unconvinced that I would stick at it.

Yet in the years that followed, it was my gym-routine that helped keep me sane when I broke up with my ex and lost my grandmother. So yes, this may have turned me into a fitness 'bore' I used to mock in my former days. No, I haven't morphed into Miranda Kerr - but I feel better and yes, a little trimmer than before. I love the appetite you work up in a spinning class, the energised feeling it leaves you with and the ability to de-stress after an hour of yoga. It's not about being thinner than my friends or having a 'holier than thou' attitude. It's about being more bodily aware and focusing on the present, rather than living in your head and being stuck in the past.

Rather than a new year's resolution or a passing phase, the gym has definitely become a big part in my life  - I couldn't imagine not going for a few weeks, I would really miss it.

But if the idea of a gym really isn't for you and you'd rather be in the great outdoors, running is a good alternative. I've also discovered Rooftop Yoga classes, led by the lovely Lucy Bannister which take place on top of a car park in Peckham and boasts one of the most beautiful views of the city. There are worse ways to spend a Sunday morning...

Clean and Lean living

Following on from my 48 hours of David Kirsch's pink lemonade-hell, I’ve been loosely following James Duigan’s popular book Clean and Lean. The argument is fairly simple: stick to raw, organic and unprocessed foods wherever possible. Rather than cut out sugar, fat and carbs altogether it’s all about knowing the right types i.e. natural sugars from fruit will sustain energy levels, fats from avocados, nuts and oily fish will provide the body with nutrients and get burned off easily, the same goes for complex carbs (again fruit, seeds, oats, wholegrain bread). Synthetic ‘toxic’ foods can’t be processed by the body -  such as saturated fat, chemicals and refined sugar (any junk food, white bread, chocolate – you get the idea) so they will get stored as fat, not to mention zap your energy and increase your stress levels.

Typical brekkie - eggs & avocados

The main point James wants to hammer home is avoid sugar where you can, which I totally agree with (see my previous post on how sugar ruins your skin. The Guardian also ran an interesting article about how it is as arguably as toxic as cigarettes or cocaine). He argues it’s primarily what makes you fat, not fatty foods  - it toxifies your body, messes up your energy levels and gives you hunger pangs which is why you’re inclined to ‘grazing’ come 4pm. As well as cutting down on sugar, I’ve cut out wheat as well as per the book’s advice, as again it leaves me feeling sluggish – a sign that I’m probably intolerant to it – as many people are. Instead mid-morning and afternoon snacks consist of nuts and fruit. I can’t stick to all of it: only one ‘cheat meal’ a week, no alcohol (!!), cutting down on caffeine, cutting out processed foods altogether proved more than  a little tricky) but I am eating a lot more avocados and making breakfast more of a meal - which the book also advises.

M&S Nutty Super Wholefood Salad with chicken (lunch of the gods ...) 

So rather than a croissant grabbed from Pret on the hoof, it’s gluten-free toast with some avocado on top – and unusually for me, I’m not scratching at the door come lunch time. And for lunch I’ve swapped my carb-laden sandwich for an M&S Nutty Super Wholefood Salad (nuts, quinoa, broccoli, green beans, almonds and pistachios). While for tea it’s homemade guacamole (gotta love those avocados) some chicken or salmon, houmous and salad. I still eat out a few times a week, so my once-weekly ‘cheat meal’ turns into ‘thrice-weekly’ – still not sure how to get around that one. But hopefully it’s balanced out by the other stuff.  I’ve definitely noticed a difference already, people have remarked I ‘look well’ and have ‘lost weight’. As a diehard carb-lover and the world's least successful dieter, I may not be the perfect ‘Clean and Lean’ candidate, but I’m getting there - one avocado at a time.

Lydia from Mrs Doubtfire and Her Downright FUGLY Wardrobe

By now most of us have heard the sad news about Robin Williams. I absolutely loved him as a child - watching Mrs Doubtfire practically every night when I got home from school and quoting lines from it with my classmates during the day. I knew the whole script backwards. But watching it again the other night (for old times' sake) 20years on, I noticed that Mrs Doubtfire is probably the best-dressed character in the whole film. (Robin himself recently noted how smoking hot he looked when compared to Kim Kardashian's paltry efforts.)

Watching the film 20 years later, have you ever noticed how unbelievably sh*t Lydia's wardrobe is? I don't wish to sound mean - this isn't a pop at the stunningly beautiful actress Lisa Jakub who played her. But seriously, you'd think the costume department would be a bit more savvy about how young teenagers dress... 

As the eldest child in the film, I'm guessing she's meant to be about 14. Maybe they do things differently in San Francisco, but she didn't dress like any of the teenagers I knew in the 90s. Flitting between granny-chic and a 9 year old on a school trip to the zoo, what they make her wear is just hideous (her father dressing up as a pensioner should have been the least of her worries). I know her character's meant to be a wholesome Miss Goody Two Shoes type, but you'd think at 14, her dress sense would be a tad more sophisticated. See for yourself ...

Yes love, we'd look p*ssed off if we'd been forced to wear that too.

Is she crying over her parents' divorce or her granny blouse complete with 'Harvest Festival chic' waistcoat?

Tablecloth cardigans were de rigeur in 90s San Francisco. But nevermind Lydia - what the hell is with Chris's ten-sizes-too-big, hideously patterned, sludge-coloured shirt? Just look at those sleeves - is he channeling David Copperfield?! How any 12 year old could survive the bus ride home from school wearing that is beyond belief. Did those poor children have to rummage through lost property when they needed new clothes? This is full blown child neglect.

Take note: they're in San Francisco in what looks like the height of summer - by a pool. So naturally Lydia rocks out the dowdy dad jumper - complete with claret coloured shirt peering out underneath - topped off with a hideous upturned straw hat as if she's about to lead the WI in a chorus of 'Jerusalem'...

Luckily the children's father made up for their complete lack of dress sense. Plus this guy can work eyeliner and red lippie like nobody's business. The pic below is just one of the many examples of what a legend he is. RIP to an amazing talent and comic genius.

The Late-20s Energy Dip - How Pink Lemonade Can Help

The worst thing about this getting older malarkey (aside from the frown lines and the 'do you think you'll ever get married?' questions from well-meaning relatives) has to be the massive dip in energy. I'm really not sure why I still feel tired after a decent night's sleep and a relatively stress-free day at work. Plus feeling exhausted at the end of the week means I haven’t had a ‘late one’ on a Friday night for as long as I can remember. (To quote Chandler from Friends: “I’m 29 years old dammit. And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television, and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.”)

Hence aside from cutting back on caffeine, I’ve realised the key to all this is what I'm eating. So I've decided to embark on a diet-overhaul. Not to resemble a stick insect (which, after nearly 20 years of failed diet attempts, I have finally accepted will never happen) but more to avoid falling asleep at my desk. So I’ve sought help from two chaps: David Kirsch and James Duigan; the former has created a 48-hour cleanse which I did a few weeks back, while the latter is the author of the famous Clean & Lean book which is now my food bible (more on this in my next post).

I’d wanted to try the David Kirsch 48 HR Super Charged Cleanse for a while. Its basic premise is that you drink this ‘nutrient-rich’ food supplement in the form of a ‘pink lemonade’, which to quote the Space NK website blurb is full of “colon, liver and kidney cleansing antioxidants, such as acai berry, milk thistle and cranberry extract. It also features added fibre and energy-boosting vitamin B12.” Hence I toddled down to Space NK to try it for myself, the kindly shop assistants warning me that it’s “not easy.” They weren’t kidding.

The idea is you drink this bland-tasting lemonade (which contains no added sugar) over the course of two days. I’d advise you do this over a weekend and cancel any plans you might have, as you will be KNACKERED. Not to mention the headaches from the sugar and caffeine withdrawal.

Literally the day after the cleanse, a colleague told me how well I was looking. I also noticed I was less tired and irritable (probably tied up with feeling a little smug at having got through it). It also gave me the motivation I needed to eat healthily the following week, lest my two days of semi-starvation were in vain. Having craved food in any shape or form for two days, I found I was taking the time to appreciate each meal. And tucking into healthy food with relish – rather than resort to bread, KitKats and bags of Doritos after a stressful day.

My verdict - it’s not for everyone and shouldn’t be done more than a few times a year, but it’s a good (albeit hardcore) way to kick-start a healthy eating plan. If you’re looking for other ways to boost your energy levels, I’ve also heard great things about David Kirsch’s Super Charged Greens – especially for when you’re travelling on long-haul flights.

Toxic People and How To Deal With Them - A Pocket Guide

As fate would have it, I start writing a blog about being 29 and the Guardian run an article about why this is seen as an optimum age and why the author thinks of herself as a 'better friend' at 29.

I agreed with her point that the friends you make in your teens and early twenties can be very hit-and-miss, but your late twenties isn't without its friendship dramas either. The main problem when you reach the ripe old age of 29 is that everyone's so busy with jobs, spouses and children that people have less and less time for each other. It's not like at school where you can catch up in Double Maths, or at uni when your room's just down the hall from theirs. Unless you work together or live near each other, friendships are take effort to maintain and that does get frustrating.

Having said that, I think 29 is a good age, not just because you learn how to form better friendships, but you're also a bit more savvy on identifying and dealing with toxic people and getting such people out of your life (but we all slip up from time to time...).

Here's a brief guide on how to deal with them (I'm not a psychologist so this obviously isn't full-proof advice, but simply what I've gleaned after having to spend many years dealing with such people):

The general public: Kill them with kindness. It embarrasses them and quickly diffuses a situation. This woman who had started having a massive go at me a few years ago for accidentally treading on her foot (after I had apologised) quickly shut up when I looked at her, smiled and uttered: 'I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but please don't let it out on me Madam.'

If they're being a complete out and out psycho, despite your polite responses, don't enter into conversation with them at all. Move away from them at the earliest opportunity. You don't need them 'dumping their shit into your energy field' so to speak.

Colleagues/employers: No one has the right to treat you like dirt, regardless of their position in your company, whether they gave you a pay rise recently or were responsible for hiring you. So many people fail to realise this, but raised voices, name calling and verbal attacks (sometimes physical threats, which I've experienced myself) are never acceptable. 'You don't need to speak to me like that/ shout at me' is one such perfectly reasonable response. If things get really bad, try having a calm one-on-one discussion with the person in question.

But the bottom line is - you don't need to stay in a job situation where there are toxic people who are making your life unbearable. You don't 'owe it to yourself' or your career to spend the majority of your time with people who are making your life a misery.

Partners: Having come out of a very difficult relationship with a narcissistic man - and dated quite a few ne'er do wells since then, it's taken me a while to realise that feeling alone when you're single is not one tenth - or hundredth - as miserable as feeling alone in a relationship (whether it's serious or not). Single ladies (whoa -oa -o): if someone you've started dating is messing you around, not making the effort and playing good old 'who can wait to text back the longest' - ditch them. If they're worth it, they'll come after you. If they aren't putting the time in at the start, they never will. Don't get upset or let them see you're upset - noone is worth humiliating yourself over. Keep your dignity, pour yourself a G&T and watch an entire series of Orange is the New Black instead.

If the person you're in a serious relationship with is making you more unhappy than not, get rid. If you feel you can't speak your mind and have to bottle things up, get rid. Yes it might be expensive moving out of a shared flat, it might be difficult if you have children together, but trust me it's worth every penny to have your sanity back. Life is too short and noone should be a martyr in a relationship. As the great philosopher Kate Upton says 'It's not your job to change him, it's not your job to be there while he's finding himself.' Preach it, Kate.

Family members: This is a major can of worms and you're probably better off seeing a family therapist than reading some dizzy North Londoner's musings on the subject. But what I will say is that toxic family members are probably the hardest of all to deal with, as grudges can go back years - especially when you feel like they're the reason you're 'so f*cked up'.

It's taken me a while to realise that the only person responsible for the how I am and how I act is myself. Hence I try not to get angry if a well-meaning parent still treats me like I'm 6 years old ('Well, it's no wonder I never have any confidence in myself!') You can either cut them out of your life for good - or, if they're not an out-and-out, irredeemable pantomime villain Katie Hopkins-type of character - keep them at arm's length, appreciate them for who they are and don't take the bait. You're not 6 years old anymore, even if they don't see it.

Friends: There are many kinds of toxic friends - but there is a particular type of person I've taken steps to weed out of my life the moment I spot the warning signs... You know the type - she makes a huge effort to reel you in at the beginning of the friendship (organising get togethers and keeping in constant contact - as she probably doesn't have many friends to start with). Then you start to hear the little comments, the put downs, the jokey complaints about something you've done to piss her off. These start getting more and more frequent until you find yourself walking on eggshells and tip-toeing around her moods. Soon enough you're constantly apologising and feeling guilty for even existing. I've been screwed over many times by people like this - as soon as you spot them run for the hills (not before telling them to sling their 'ook).

Some friends are more loyal and reliable than others, and I think we grow up being led to believe (in the same way Disney films and rom-coms mislead us about romance) that there's a 'perfect friend' out there for us, who will understand us completely can give us everything we want and need. I've come to the conclusion that there will never be such a thing as 'the perfect friend' - even among my closest mates there are petty jealousies and we do and say things to hurt each other. I don't believe in 'dumping' friends - just accepting them for who they are and focusing on their good points (and maybe speaking up if you're upset with them). You grow to learn the people you can rely on, the ones who are good for a laugh and the ones you need to avoid like the plague.

And lastly... how to not let toxic people get to you: A tricky one - I can't say I've entirely mastered it myself. I'll have days where I'll replay past incidents in my head, thinking of what I could have said and should have said. Focusing on the positive people in your life helps, as does yoga and meditation. Sally Brampton once told me 'Don't allow these people to live in your head, rent free.' Amen to that.

A Disturbing Look Into The Future ...

A friend sent me this video by comedians Garfunkel and Oates. It's a song in which two girls play the same woman two years apart - from the optimistic 29 year old, to the slightly more realistic 31 year old. Really hope this isn't me in two years time ... Amusing all the same.